


You're Kind of All I've Got

by libellules



Series: You Kissed Alex? -Verse [2]
Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: & everything in between, Angst, Fluff, M/M, Not at all slow burn, sister fic to You Kissed Alex?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-15
Updated: 2018-11-14
Packaged: 2019-08-23 21:52:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16627091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/libellules/pseuds/libellules
Summary: Alex was completely and utterly overwhelmed by his desire to kiss Justin. He couldn’t though. Justin was so vulnerable right now and drunk —god he couldn’t kiss a straight drunk boy. But Justin’s eyes were glistening and their shoulders were touching, and it almost felt like he was leaning into Alex. Every bone in his body told him to kiss him. But his brain reminded him that Justin might not even attracted to him, might feel even worse if Alex kissed him.He could almost feel Justin leaning in… until he realized Justin actually was leaning in.or the journey of how Justin and Alex became more than just friends.





	You're Kind of All I've Got

**Author's Note:**

> I was thinking about the last fic I wrote 'You Kissed Alex?' and somehow ended up turning a totally random fic into the Alex's POV version of it. Midway through writing it, I then decided that this would be the first chapter of my Justlex multi-chapter fic. This story is going to be a series of related and chronological one-shots or multi-chapter fics that all build on each other. Hope you enjoy :)

It was late, had to be at least midnight. The only reason Alex was up studying was because he had been procrastinating his essay all week and he only had two days left to write it. Plus, he had promised Justin they would meet up tomorrow morning so he needed to get at least two pages written tonight. He had two words: Alex Standall. 

The problem —the real reason he couldn’t get another word out— was because the prompt was really just fucking stupid. _What is the greatest accomplishment in your life thus far?_ What kind of seventeen year old really has life accomplishments? Alex couldn’t think of a thing other than the fact that his dick finally worked again and he had mustered up the courage to finally kiss another boy. 

But he couldn’t actually write about coming to terms with his sexuality because he in fact actually really come to terms with it. Was he gay? He had loved Jess too much to be gay. Was he straight? He was way too into Justin to be straight. What was the other option: bisexual, pansexual, whatever. Alex didn’t have a clue, he hadn’t really thought too much about it until Justin. 

He had always been the skinny, non-athletic kid so obviously he was used to people questioning his sexuality. When his only friends were Jess and Hannah he could see the eyeing, pondering look from his dad. Truthfully, it hadn’t really affected him. He knew he was attracted to girls, so what did it matter what people thought. 

And sure, guys were sometimes attractive —but noticing attraction and feeling attracted to were two very different things. Right? Everyone could tell Ryan Gosling’s attraction, it certainly didn’t make him gay. It didn’t mean anything. 

But Justin… that _meant_ something. Justin wasn’t just attractive —and god, he was so attracted to him— he was kind and soft and sensitive and resilient and overwhelmingly wonderful and Alex wanted him in every way he had ever wanted Jess, ever wanted any girl. He wanted to kiss him and run his hands through his hair and hold him. He was a guy and Alex wanted to be with him so badly. 

What that meant, Alex wasn’t sure. Maybe he was bi or pan, maybe he wasn’t. It didn’t matter if he knew yet but eventually he would figure out what he wanted to call himself —if he wanted to call himself anything at all. 

Speak of the devil, a text suddenly lit up the darkness of his cellphone with a message from Justin: _wyd?_

Seriously? Just because it made Alex smile doesn’t mean it’s appropriate to stoop so low as to use fuckboy greetings in order to win Alex’s affection and attention. He almost couldn’t dignify it with a response. Almost. 

_homework. u?_ Alex set his phone down next to his laptop and continued attempting to write his paper. It was a solid few minutes before the phone vibrated with a new text. 

_can u call me?_ Alex’s nose scrunched. A call? The only person Alex ever called was his dad and his boss. He was almost certain they had never actually talked in the phone before. Maybe he was trying to make up for actually sending ‘wyd,’ to Alex. He dialed Justin’s number. 

“Hey,” cracked through the phone. Either the connection was bad or Justin was upset. 

“Hey, what’s going on?” He heard Justin’s shaky breathes and immediately knew it was the latter. He had only seen Justin cry once and it was during court when he was talking about Jess. He could still clearly see the crumbling, the devastation clear in his eyes, the utter heartbreak. He never wanted to see Justin cry again. Hearing it was just as terrible. “Hey, Justin, just talk to me. What’s wrong?” 

“I… I-I just…” He couldn’t seem to physically get the words out, his voice betraying him. Perhaps the most painful thing was the little sniff Alex heard, knowing Justin was trying to control his emotions and put up his walls again. Alex didn’t want him to hide anything. He needed to let himself breakdown or else it would lead to something much worse. It was a lesson Alex had learned the hard way. 

“Where are you?” 

“I don’t know-know. Zach is-is here.” 

“Are you at his house, yours, gym, library?” 

“Party.” 

“Okay, can you tell me where it is or can you give the phone to Zach?” 

“No!” The cry was immediate. Dammit, he was probably hiding away in some corner. 

“I’m gonna come get you, okay? Just tell me where the party is.” 

“I think it’s at-at Lacey Mi-Mitchell’s.” 

“Okay, Justin, I’m coming. Do you need me to stay on the phone?” 

“Yes.” 

“Okay, you don’t have to talk if you can’t. I’m getting in my car now. I’m on my way.” They stayed on the phone the whole drive, Justin crying and Alex telling him how far he was. Finally, he pulled onto the street and immediate saw all the cars parked outside Lacey’s house. He had to park farther down the street but he raced from the car to the house. 

Whoever answered the door didn’t seem to care who Alex was but cheered happily when he walked through the door, telling him that there was weed in the basement and jungle juice in the kitchen. 

“l’m here, where are you?” 

“Upstairs.” 

“Okay, hold tight.” He hung up his phone and worked his way up the stairs as quickly as he could. Most of the doors were open when he got upstairs —thank god, he wasn’t about to walk in on some random juniors tonight. Only one door was closed so Alex was betting that had to be where Justin was. 

He opened the door and the room was dark. There were no lights on so he flicked the overhead switch on. At first, he couldn’t see him but then he saw the top of his head from the other side of the couch and heard the sniffling. Justin was sitting on the floor against the opposite side of the couch hidden away beside a large window with his knees drawn up to his chest. There were tears streaming down his face. 

There was foil on the bed. Alex couldn’t look at it. All he could look at was Justin, he was trembling. 

“Hey, it’s okay. I’m here.” He squatted down in front of him and then sunk down beside him, back resting against the bed to help keep himself balanced. He wrapped an arm hesitantly around Justin, pulling him tightly towards himself. 

His mother always hugged him like this, she had ever since he was little. He used to be terrified of the dark. Every night he would turn out his light and immediately begin to cry. She would tuck him away under her arm and nothing else mattered, nothing but her and him. He held onto Justin tightly. 

“Shh, it’s alright.” Had he relapsed? Was he okay? Where was Zach? He was supposed to look out for Justin at parties like this, make sure he was okay. Clearly, Justin was anything but okay right now. He held on tightly to the back of Justin’s head. 

“I want to g-go.” 

“We can go. We just need to get you up.” 

“No!” Justin wrapped Alex’s wrist and locked his fingers around it in a deathlock. His eyes were wide and terrified. “I don’t want anybody to s-see me.” Alex ran his fingers down Justin’s cheek, cupping it softly. It was sticky with tears and salt. 

“It’s alright, nobody is sober enough to notice.” Justin gave him a look but finally allowed Alex to somehow lift them both off the group and up into a standing position. Alex kept his arm wrapped protectively around Justin as he lead them out of the bedroom and down the stairs. Just as he had suspected, not a single person seemed to notice or care as they headed out the door and to the car. 

Justin had gotten pretty tiny, but it proved more difficult than Alex had anticipated to manhandle him into the passenger seat. Sniffling up the remainder of his pride, Justin’s trembling fingers wrestled to snap his seat belt into place. Alex had run around the car, buckled himself, and started the ignition by the time Justin finally managed to slide the seat belt into place. He looked completely exhausted, eyes red from crying —it better be the only reason they were red. 

Justin was beautiful, everybody in school knew that. But right now, with dark circles under his eyes, chapped lips, and sweat; he was a shell of it. The whole Justin Foley facade, the reputation of the carefree, fuckboy, jock was ridiculous to Alex. He knew Justin, he knew that none of that came close to describing him. He certainly didn’t look carefree. His eyes were drawn to his lap where his fingers were playing with the hem of his sweatshirt, tears resting at the ends of his eyelashes. He had calmed himself down significantly since Alex found his upstairs but he could see from the rising and falling of his chest that Justin was still worked up. 

“You can just… can you take me to Zach’s?” Alex gave him a look, Justin finally meeting his eyes. There was a desperation in Justin’s eyes that Alex couldn’t describe: he almost looked scared. 

“Are you sure? You can just come to my house.” 

“I don’t, that’s okay. You don’t have to.” 

“I want to, idiot.” Alex finally pulled the car into the street and began driving toward his own house. “You’re not going to Zach’s.” Justin nodded, teeth catching his bottom lip, right hand wiping the moisture off his cheeks. 

“Actually, just take me home. Nobody is home right now anyway.”

“Alright, I can do that.”

“I’m sorry.” Alex glanced quickly over at Justin before catching the road again. He was so confusing, always sending Alex different messages, different personas of himself revealed each time. Alex knew that the Justin Foley everybody else knew was a lie, but he wasn’t sure who the real Justin was. 

“Don’t say that.” 

“But I am sorry. You were probably busy and I made you drive all the way out here and I’m sorry. Okay? Let me be sorry.” 

“Okay, fine. I’ll let you throw yourself a pity party but you have to tell me what all of this was about.” Justin adjusted himself so he was sitting up more, arm resting against the door of the car and nestling his head against his fist. 

“I almost did something really stupid tonight.” He had to be talking about the heroin on the bed. 

“But you didn’t?” Justin shook his head. “That’s good.”

“I really almost did it though. If you had hung up the phone I think I would’ve.” Alex didn’t know what to say. He knew Justin had been into some pretty fucked up shit during the first half of senior year, and he knew that Justin was probably exposed to a lot of the same shit growing up. But Alex had been sheltered from all of it. He smoked weed twice: the first time he didn’t feel anything and the second time he had an anxiety attack. It was his only drug experience; he had no idea what it was like to be a drug addict. 

Justin Foley the drug addict. That wasn’t him, wasn’t the whole picture, it was just a piece. 

“I wanted to. I really fucking wanted to, Alex.” Justin looked so small, _when did he get so fucking small?_ Maybe it was the way he had drawn his knees to his chest or the look of fear in his eyes. He was so exposed, vulnerable to Alex in a way Justin never was around anybody. Maybe he had opened himself up to the Jensen’s, but Alex wasn’t so sure. He still didn’t seem super comfortable living there, being a part of their family. 

“But you didn’t, that’s what matters.” It didn’t seem like enough. “I’m proud of you.” Justin didn’t give a response, he just looked at Alex blankly and then redirected his view to stare out the car window. 

“I don’t even know why I went to that stupid party.” Alex shrugged, waited for him to continue. “Zach wanted me to go but I think he wouldn’t have cared if I hadn’t gone.” 

“He cares about you, you know?”

“Yeah, I guess.” Justin began adjusted the air conditioning and all the vent positions. 

“I don’t go to parties because I know I can’t be around alcohol. If you ever don’t want to go, think it’s too much to handle, just come hang out with me.” Alex absolutely loathed talking about his own mental health and the _incident_ , but it seemed like a good time to be vulnerable. Justin didn’t say anything, didn’t look up at Alex at all. 

“I can take care of myself.” Alex wasn’t expecting that, it stung a little bit and he regretted exposing his own insecurity. 

“I know, it’s just easier when you have somebody else. It would be easier for me too.” Justin still didn’t seem eager to respond, eyes glued to the window. They pulled into the Jensen’s driveway and Alex, not comfortable leaving Justin alone, decided to follow him up to the door. 

“What are you doing? I’m not a damsel in distress; I don’t need you to walk me to my door.” Alex watched as he struggled to put the key into the hole. It had to be at least an entire few minutes before Alex took the key and unlocked the door himself. “Goodbye, Alex.” Alex locked the door behind them and helped Justin up the stairs, realizing as they got to the first step that his breath smelled intensely of alcohol. He had assuming all the unsteadiness and shaking was because it was upset —he was drunk. Not drunk enough to slur his words or vomit, but drunk enough to hold onto Alex’s arm as he made him way up the steps. 

It was only about 6 so Justin couldn’t exactly go to bed, but he seemed to be headed for it. Alex had never been in Justin’s room at the Jensen’s —or his old one for that matter. It was warm: a dark wood bed with a thick flannel comforter, a desk with a tall stack of textbooks and comics, and even a few posters of different basketball players up on the walls. Alex wasn’t sure who any of the players were. Justin sat down on the edge of the bed, head falling into his hands. 

 

“Why are you still here?” 

“I want to make sure you’re okay.”

“I already told you, I-,”

“Can take of yourself. Yeah, I heard.”

“Why are you _still_ here, then?”

“I’m gonna take care of you anyway. You’re my friend and I just found you crying, almost ready to shoot up again. I’m not leaving and I don’t really care how pouty you are about it.” 

“M’ not pouting,” Justin said, slurring for the first time and patting the place next to him on the edge of the bed. 

“Sure.” Alex took a seat beside him, close enough that their knees could almost touch. “What are you thinking about?”

“I don’t know, everything.” 

“Can I ask you a question?” Justin’s eyes met Alex’s for a moment, nodding. 

“You’ll just ask it anyway.” 

“Fair.” He moved his knee so they were touching, Justin didn’t flinch or try to move away. “Why did you call me tonight?” Justin was silent for a what seemed like hours before he finally responded, words quiet but voice sounding the strongest it has all night. 

“I didn’t have anybody else to call.” Their eyes met, Justin didn’t look away for the first time and let them both look at each other. “Couldn’t call the Jensen’s or they’d think I was using and you’re kind of my only friend, so…” 

“Not Zach?”

“Zach is good guy, but we’ve never really been closer than teammates.” 

“Should I feel flattered?” Justin’s lips turned ever so slightly, desperately dragging his pout into the tiniest smile Alex had ever seen. If the room was any darker he couldn’t have seen it. “Seriously though, the great Justin Foley doesn’t have anybody else to call?” Justin shook his head, taking a shaky breath. 

“Before you and Clay, Bryce was kind of the only person who ever wanted to be my friend.” 

“I know about a hundred girls who would kill to be your friend.” 

“No, you know a hundred girls who want to make out with me, tell their friends, and then leave.” 

“Shit, sorry. I guess I just didn’t realize.” Justin sniffled but he didn’t appear to be crying. “You know, Jess and Hannah were my only real friends and… yeah, now you’re kind of all I’ve got too.” Justin looked up at him, tiny smile back. 

With a single moment, Alex was completely and utterly overwhelmed by his desire to kiss Justin. He couldn’t though. Justin was so vulnerable right now and drunk —god he couldn’t kiss a straight drunk boy. But Justin’s eyes were glistening and their shoulders were touching, and it almost felt like he was leaning into Alex. Every bone in his body told him to kiss him. But his brain reminded him that Justin might not even attracted to him, might feel even worse if Alex kissed him. 

He could almost feel Justin leaning in… until he realized Justin actually was leaning in. 

“This okay?” Justin nodded. Alex cupped his cheek the way Jess always told him he should, and let their lips touch. It was hesitant at first, neither knowing quite where it was going. It didn’t last long before Alex pulled away, extremely unsure and slightly terrified that he had just done something really stupid. Their eyes refused to meet. 

“I’m sorry,” Justin admitted softly, the trembling returning to his voice. 

“God, no, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.” Justin looked up at him. 

“No, it was okay. I-I wanted you to.” A tear slipped out of Justin’s eye and Alex felt like the biggest asshole. Justin was too drunk for this, he didn’t know what he wanted, what he was feeling. Alex pulled Justin into his chest in a hug, he knew that sober Justin would have him for the way he pulled him practically into his lap but he looked so small and he was crying. He couldn’t stop himself. Justin’s fingers clung to his sweater and he buried his face in Alex’s chest. 

“It’s okay, it’s alright,” was all Alex could muster. He wasn’t sure why Justin was crying again. Maybe he regretted the kiss, maybe he liked the kiss, maybe he was still upset about almost relapsing. Alex didn’t know what he needed to hear, what to say to make him stop crying. The house was so dark and it made everything that was going on at the foot of the bed so much more intimate. He had never witnessed another person this upset, never seen somebody cry so hard. He could feel the sobs overpowering Justin, he could hear the way his breathing was short and shaking. Of all people, it was Justin Foley. 

And then, suddenly, there was a crash and the door moved and Justin flew out of his lap. Clay was standing outside the door picking, picture frame in hand. 

“Shit,” Clay swore, he turned around to meet Alex’s eyes. He glanced back at Justin, Alex saw he was trying again to stop himself from crying. He looked so much younger than his aged eyes usually made him look. Dark, sad eyes that had forced him to grow up young betrayed him tonight. He just looked young now. 

He had no idea what to do but clearly Justin wasn’t ready to handle this himself. He had to say something, but what? _Don’t mind us, I just kissed your brother and made him cry_. It probably wouldn’t fly well with Clay. He had seen how protective he had been of Hannah, he could only imagine it was similar with his brother. 

“Hey,” Clay said before Alex could think of something. 

“Clay, I think it would be best if-,”

“Say no more. I’m gone.” Clay’s eyes were wide, he looked confused and the pink of his cheeks told Alex he was also embarrassed.

“No, it’s okay. It’s-,” came Justin’s shaky voice before Clay interrupted him. 

“Justin, it’s alright. I can go.” Clay’s eyes looked lost in thought for a moment, calming himself slightly. He met Alex’s gaze and spoke again, “It’s okay, I didn’t see anything. I just woke up, I probably won’t even remember any of this. I’m… I’m just gonna go get something to eat. Just…” Clay trailed off, eyes glancing between Alex and Justin. 

“Yeah, okay,” Alex said, keeping himself firmly upright in the doorway between Clay and Justin. He had a weird feeling in his stomach: the urge to shield Justin. But, from what? Clay loved Justin, that much Alex knew. Clay probably also wouldn’t care if Justin was into guys. But Justin was still crying and his back was turned to Clay and Alex just wanted to wrap him up in his arms and apologize… maybe kiss him again. 

Clay finally left, headed down the staircase. Alex closed the bedroom door and hesitantly made his way over to Justin. 

“He s-saw,” Justin whimpered, melting against Alex. _Good_ , Justin wanting to hug him meant he didn’t hate him because of the kiss. If he hated Alex, he couldn’t let Alex tuck him against his chest, holding him. 

As much as Alex hated seeing Justin so upset, so broken, another part of him loved the way Justin finally was being real. His walls were down, his eyes were big, looking up at Alex waiting for an answer. So much for not wanting Alex to take care of him. He rubbed circles into Justin’s back again, it seemed to help at the party. 

“They’re going to kick me out.” Instantly, the little big of joy Alex felt from getting to hold Justin shattered. He sounded so terrified, like he believed the words he was saying would kill him. 

“No they won’t. Look at me, Justin.” Justin pulled out of the embrace just enough to look into Alex’s eyes. “They adopted you. They love you. You are a part of their family and nothing you do will ever change that.” Justin looked like he wanted to argue but he couldn’t muster up the courage. Alex continued, “It won’t matter to them if you want to kiss boys.” 

“I-I don’t even know what to say,” Justin admitted softly. He was taking deep breaths, very visibly trying to stop crying. Alex could feel his eyes watering but he couldn’t cry right now, he needed to be there for Justin. This was his shot to prove to Justin that he was for real, that he meant what he said —that he cared. 

“That’s okay. You don’t need to know,” Alex tried, fishing for words he wished he would have heard before he came out as pansexual to his parents. It had been in a family therapy session after the incident and he had been so exhausted and it just came out and he had no idea how to describe his sexuality to his parents. After a long time spent on the internet goodling LGBT terminology he finally settled on pan, it felt right. 

Alex wasn’t sure if that’s was Justin what feeling. Justin had kissed plenty of girls —Alex was pretty sure, but a lot of what he knew about Justin’s love life was heard through the grapevine—, but that didn’t mean he was truly attracted to them. He might be gay, or he might be attracted to all genders. It wasn’t Alex’s business. If they decided to keep kissing, to ever form a relationship, even just to stay friends, Justin would tell him once he was ready. Alex wasn’t going to push. 

“You don’t need to know and neither does Clay. Just let it be what it is, and eventually you will know how to describe it.” Justin nodded. With a final deep breath he regained most of his composure. 

“I think I need to talk to him for a minute. Can you wait here?”

“Not going anywhere.” Justin nodded, leaving the room to find Clay. Alex sat down on the end of the bed where, just minutes ago, he had shared his first kiss with a boy. Not just a boy, Justin Foley. 

He wasn’t sure when he started looking at Justin as more than just friend. It might have been when Justin showed up at his door in the middle of the night needing a place to stay. It was the first time Justin had let Alex in, showed Alex the real Justin. They had slept in Alex’s bed beside each other, a field of distance between them. Alex didn’t sleep more than three hours that night, just watching the rise and fall of Justin’s chest as he slept, face softer than he ever imagined Justin Foley’s face could be. 

Maybe it had been that night, when the feelings started. However, Alex knew for sure that he liked Justin when he came back in the fall of junior year with Clay. It was the way he didn’t care what other people thought, didn’t put up a facade, the day he confronted Bryce in the hallway before the infamous fight. Alex wasn’t sure if he _loved_ Justin. Loving someone was a serious thing and they weren’t dating, Alex still didn’t truly know Justin. He knew that he was capable of loving Justin, he cared too much. He could picture himself telling Justin he loved him. He wondered how many times Justin had heard someone say that word to him in his life. 

They had kissed. All of it had been real. Alex was overwhelmed. He had hoped their first kiss would have been when Justin was happy and sober and that Justin wouldn’t immediately be forced to come out of whatever closet he was in to his brother afterward. Basically, reality had been the worse case scenario Alex had feared. 

Well, the worst case scenario would’ve been Justin pushing him away and tell Alex he was totally straight. And he hadn’t done that at all. 

Justin came back into the room looked a lot better than when he left. He had rosy cheeks and a smile on his face. Alex couldn’t help but grin himself. Justin was beautiful. Even more so when he was happy. 

“How did it go?”

“Good.” 

“That’s good.” 

“Yeah.”

It was awkward, they both look at each other grinning. Alex thought about not kissing Justin again. He really considered it, but then he thought about kissing Justin. As he stood up Justin moved toward him and Alex ran his fingers across Justin’s jawline. 

“Can I kiss you?” Justin nodded, grinning, and leaned in to meet Alex’s lips. This kiss was so much better than the first. It wasn’t awkward or short, it was gentle and tender. Justin’s hands were running through his hair, Alex’s still holding Justin’s face, the other on Justin’s lower back. He pulled them closer. 

Alex was, surprisingly, the first to pull away. As much as he would love to spend the evening kissing Justin, he was still drunk and was coming down off a big emotional breakdown. Alex hated himself for it, but he pulled them apart. 

“I should probably go,” said Alex. 

“You don’t have to. We could watch a movie… or something.”

“Yeah, okay.” 

Justin held his hand out and Alex reached out, intertwining their fingers together. Justin’s hands were soft like the pink in his cheeks. Justin Foley blushing might just be Alex’s new favorite thing. He also figured he was probably blushing himself. They made their way downstairs to the living room. Settling down on the couch, Justin scrolled through Netflix for a movie. 

As they were debating between Marvel Movies, Clay suddenly entered the room. He plopped down on the chair beside the couch where Alex and Justin were. 

“Justin still hasn’t seen Black Panther,” Clay informed Alex, taking a handful of peanuts of a car he was holding and tossing them into his mouth. Alex wasn’t sure if Clay was intruding or if he was exactly what they needed. He knew though, that Clay was sending Justin a message: that he supported him. So they queued up Black Panther and Alex wrapped an arm around Justin.


End file.
